Whenever I have some time to open my Safari browser (with 2 kids around, that time is becoming less and less), I'd feel so guilty when the Blogger tab pops up. Showing me just how it's been weeks since my last update, and what a lazy-arse blogger I am.

So since both kids are now at the nursery (yes, we started sending Rafiy to nursery this week just to see how he'll adapt before I'm starting work next week. 3 months flew by so fast :O) this week has officially became my me-time week. But then the pumping time comes and I'm wondering how Rafiy is doing in the new environment; new caregiver, new bed, new place, etc - my paranoid mommy cap is taking the front seat almost 90% of the time, so I can't really enjoy the peaceness.

But during the time that I'm less paranoid, here's a new post.

Read this post last night on Dayre by @revelinme and couldn't help thinking.

"Can't women have career AND love/family at the same time?"

Firstly, you see, it hit me hard at this point because I'm having anxiety to return to work after 3 full months of maternity leave - and I mean, FULL. The project team didn't bother me with work-related issues on calls/Whatsapp basis at all and I'm really thankful for that (although I keep thinking if it's really because the project is doing well or not doing good at all lol). They sent congratulatory texts, occasional how-are-yous and that's it.

So after 3 months, returning to the office feels like entering a new workplace - things might have changed 360 degrees while I was away. (my department has a new HOD now - can you imagine?)

And secondly, returning to work means leaving my babies to their other caregiver (the teachers) AGAIN. After spending most of my time with them at home for 3 months, I can't imagine leaving them in the morning and only seeing them at 6 pm in the evening - it's like a whole chunk of time with my babies being taken away.

And it's not like I wasn't used to it before, in fact it was our routine since..Rayyan was old enough to be sent to the nursery. But having a new baby, and Rayyan being a big brother, things changed. Feelings changed. Perspective changed. Although I know I will never be capable to be a full-time housewife, I know sometimes I wish I could - because it means I get to spend my time with them.

But career is a huge part of my life, too. Although sometimes I'm ashamed to admit for the fear of being perceived as a bad mommy, I'd go crazy not doing the job I've been doing for the past 5 years. And not going to office, meeting my colleagues, having technical discussions, being challenged and learning new things.

I'd go crazy.

So reading the Dayre post, I have hopes. Hopes of returning to the office in full spirit not just to do my job but to do it well, AND still manage to be a better mommy to my boys. And this wouldn't happen if I don't have support. Being a mother, not many realize just much sacrifice we'd have to do in order to come home, face the husband and kids and not feel like a failure.


And here's to fighting gender stereotypes, judgement from fellow women on motherhood (or everything really), sexual objectification and so on.

Such a cliche, but girl power!


P/S : Thank you for your concern and helpful tips on my last post :) So so happy that now Rafiy has been better - no more crying at night and he's been sleeping well Alhamdulillah! Mommy gained her sanity back haha lol.