(Disclaimer: this was written in conjuction with Tun M’s 100th birthday on 10th July 2025. Happiest birthday, Tun!)
I turn 38 this year.
I’m at that stage in life where I juggle deadlines, daycare pickups, and Teams meetings across time zones. And lately, in between all that, I’ve been thinking about how I got here.
One name keeps coming to mind: Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad.
Growing up in the 90s, his name was everywhere. I didn’t really understand what he did back then, only that he was always on the news, and my parents would switch to the serious voice whenever his name came up.
And somewhere along the way, one of his ideas - the Look East Policy - quietly shaped the life I would one day live.
That policy encouraged Malaysians to learn from countries like Japan, to adopt values like discipline, hard work, and humility. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I just knew that I’d watch Japanese dramas on TV and that my sister’s dream is to go to Japan one day. But now, here I am: a Malaysian, raising a family and building a career in Japan. Every day I see firsthand the values that policy promoted. And I can’t help but feel…connected. Like maybe I’m a tiny result of that big vision.
There’s one day I’ll never forget - the day I got the phone call telling me I received the scholarship to further my degree in Japan. That phone call changed everything. In that one moment, my path shifted. What was once just a faraway dream suddenly became real. Japan wasn’t just a country I read about in Sejarah textbooks, it became the place where I’d study, grow, find myself, and unknowingly begin a life that’s still unfolding.
I no longer see Tun with the same wide-eyed awe I had as a kid. These days, I look at his legacy with a different kind of admiration - the kind that comes with age and after surviving multiple project timelines. Because now I know just how hard it is to build something that lasts. To think not just about yourself, but an entire country. To decide that “Yes, Malaysia can have its own car brand,” and “Yes, let’s build a brand new administrative capital” while I still hesitate to build a new bookshelf without my husband’s help.
And now that I’ve come this far, I find myself asking: How can I do the same?
How can I give back to Malaysia in my own small, spreadsheet-and-slide-deck kind of way?
How do I leave something behind - not just reports and presentations, but actual impact?
I don’t usually write about public figures. But I guess this isn’t really about politics. It’s about gratitude, and maybe also responsibility.
Because thanks to that vision, I grew up in a Malaysia that was full of hope. I was raised to believe I could go far if I worked hard (and maybe memorized enough kanji and hiragana). That it was okay to dream a little bigger, even if I didn’t quite know what the dream was yet.
And now, as a woman in her late 30s, navigating career and motherhood, I carry that same hope forward. Not just for me, but for those who come after me, too.
(In picture: me with my eldest sister who dreamt about going to Japan since she was in high school, sending me off to Japan to do my engineering degree for 4 years)
I don’t know why I’m still holding on to this, but a brief update:
- We went to Hakone during golden week this year, and it was fun!
- I finally finished Grey’s Anatomy season 17, the Covid one. Never got past season 17 before, so this is a big achievement (somehow I always go back to season 1-3)
- Work this year has been such a roller coaster. Dreaded some parts of it for the first time, but the parts I enjoy actually what keeps me going. Hate to think about quitting because that just proves my husband’s points
- Rayyan made a bff at his class and soccer club this year, a half Japanese kid. I can’t even tell you how relieved I am to see him blossoming into his pre-teen years.
- Also, how terrified I am to face that
- Rafiy as usual keeps doing what his big bro does. Soccer club, kumon, swimming, you name it. Sometimes I think God gave us him for Rayyan, and they are truly each other’s bff
- Rayfa is speaking full-on Japanese now, no more Manglish. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but please don’t cancel her
- (I’m scrolling down my photo album to recall past events) Rayyan made his first dish - omelette veggie by himself and recorded the video of Rafiy tasting it, for the purpose of submitting his homework. Japan education system continues to amaze me
- We met up with our new friends for wall climbing and karaoke, and boyyy did I tell you how much the kids love karaoke??? Rayfa of course not so much
- Celebrated Rafiy’s 8th birthday on 16th May, loving our little traditions every year
- Visited obgyn in Ginza for the first time to get myself checked. Got probable diagnosis of polyp in my uterus and possibly, endometriosis. Gonna go for a hospital appointment sometime this month to schedule for polyptomy (didn’t even know it’s a thing)
- Entertained a high school friend at our house. Made nasi goreng, ayam goreng and pasta with pastries from Costco
- Had a day out on a Sunday with baby girl, just us two, and it was so so eye-opening to me how much I actually needed it. Probably more than her. Gonna make this a weekly thing with her brothers too!
That’s all for now. Talk again soon.
To wish happy mother’s day to me!
And all mothers and future mothers, reading this.
We just got home a few days ago, after spending our Golden Week break at Hakone. It was our first time there, and we enjoyed the place quite a bit! Although I thought the pirate ship would be a hit, it was the least interesting part of the trip to the kids lol.
Celebrating mother’s day today made me reflect my motherhood journey for the last 10 years, since my firstborn turned 10 this year. Looking back, it was such a blur - if it wasn’t for the kids in the flesh in front of my eyes, I wouldn’t have believed I actually got pregnant 3 times, delivered babies 3 times, and took care of newborns 3 times, all on my own (with help from husband, of course. I’m not a superhuman)
It wasn’t easy. It was hell, I’d be honest about that. Rayfa was the easiest baby out of the 3, but one of the core memories I have from her newborn phase is me going to the kitchen to make my coffee at 10 am after just getting her to nap, and then suddenly hearing her cries. And just like that, I broke down in tears, snot and everything, thinking what did I do wrong? Why wouldn’t she just sleep, so I can have my breakfast and coffee in peace? I was just sooo exhausted. And just looking at me like that, Shahrul quickly made me sit down at the dining table, and went to attend to Rayfa, so I didn’t have to.
I just knew there is a special place in heaven for husbands who actually function as a husband and a father.
But, now, those hard memories seems like a thousand light years ago. Sometimes I feel like this life I’m living is not mine, because what do you mean I now have 2 pre-teen boys and a cheeky 4 year old girl who looks just like me and basically my twin?! It’s not all rainbows for sure, but at the end of the day, knowing I always have these 2 boys coming in my bedroom to kiss me goodnight and tell me “i love you mommy” and this little girl who can’t go to sleep unless I’m laying by her side…
Life is so unpredictable sometimes, but when the surprises come in these adorable forms, I wouldn’t have it any other way <3
And that’s the theme for now.
Today is the first day of Ramadan at the office for this year. I can’t remember how it was last year because I’ve blocked out a lot of my early days at the company out of embarrassment, so I didn’t know what to expect.
Couldn’t fast but I dread explaining to my co-workers and bosses why I couldn’t fast (you know, menstruation and such is not a good topic to break the ice in a whole new country, let alone a conservative one) so during lunch time I went out to Tokyo station next building. It’s literally next to my office, which is a fact I’m still struggling to grasp cos who would believe??
Daimaru is a department store in Tokyo station similar to Isetan in KLCC, so I spend majority of my lunch time there, browsing the makeup and bags and clothes section. Some days, I would go to level 8 and spend half an hour in Tokyu Hands.
Yesterday, I thought I could go to one of the levels’ jibaiki and buy a hot drink (preferably coffee), just sit on one of the benches they provide next to the jibaiki which is quite secluded, finish my drink and go back to the office acting like I’m fasting.
But lo and behold, apparently the universe has another plan for me.
Reached one of the jibaiki, but didn’t like the drinks selection. So went around some levels to look for a good one - only to be disappointed that some levels don’t even have a jibaiki. Saw some Porter bags so took some photos for husband (he didn’t like them). Proceeded to check out other levels, and somehow one is worse than the other - some didn’t even have hot drinks! - so went back to lower level, and found out that the jibaiki only accepts coins, not Suica. Or cards.
At this point I felt like giving up and going back to the office..and one the way back I figured I could just buy at family mart and drink at the benches in Daimaru. So quickly dropped by to buy the drink, paid using PayPay and went back inside Daimaru.
Apparently the coffee I bought is a “butter coffee” flavour so it has a bitter, salty taste. YUCK. Finished 3/4 of it, quickly found a bin and ran out of the Tokyo station back to office.
Conclusion: maybe explaining to my co-workers that during menstruation, women can’t fast is much more easier than having to experience this.
The other day, I stumbled upon this definition of expat and immigrant:
An expat is someone who lives outside their home country for a limited time, while an immigrant is someone who moves to a new country with the intention of settling there permanently.
And I found myself wondering, then what is the term for a person who is in the middle between living outside their home country for 30 years but wants to come home in their old age?
Such complex dilemma, I know. But it’s exactly what I’m feeling at the moment, how do I settle in the middle between expat and immigrant?
Happy new year 2025!
I always try to usher in the new year by making positive changes, new habits, etc. I got myself a new iPad mini, because the one I have is a 11” and too bulky for me to bring to office for notes, etc.
And when I saw a girl carrying her iPad mini in the train, lost in her reading on her iPad, I was sold - and got it!
Now, I can’t stop interacting with it. It’s like my new clone - everything I do or think, will involve having it in my hand. Of course I journal and have my planner in it. Writing in it feels so much smoother than my old 11” iPad.
(Also, I don’t have to berebut with my kids and husband anymore, which is a hugee plus)
But the downside is, everytime I open tiktok app in the iPad mini husband would give me a side eye and ask, “so you’re just using this iPad for read and study, huh?”
Way to killjoy.
Social Media