Sometimes, change is easier done when you’re far away from people who knows you.

There’s a back story to this, which I’ll share later. 

But my heart is at peace❤️

My favorite is pastime is torturing my own sanity.

Which is going on instagram just to go to my archive and see what I posted on my feed over the years..and cry.

Today is one of those days. I not only went to the ig story archive, I actually went to the very beginning. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop it.

There it was. My first ig story was of Rayyan, maybe at 2 years old, and then Rafiy, who was a baby learning to crawl.

I was at the office so I couldn’t cry, but I really wanted to.

Watching them grow from that stage to now feels terrible. The time I’ve lost. (But thank God for ig story archives for letting me have this moment.)

And how terribly, terribly young and naive I was. Me in my late 20s was awful - trying to fit in so many places, doing far too many things at once, never quite sure where I belong or who I was. Ugh, just look at this blog’s archive, WIWT??? Really?

And at 37 years old now, looking back, the only consolation is how lucky I am to get out of that rat race. Maybe I’m still ambitious, but not THAT obnoxiously so. I can say now I have a lot more dignity..

And my kids are maybe not that small now, but they’re a delight (sometimes). I get to kiss and snuggle them in a different way now. And I never want that to go away.

I will probably torture myself by going down the archives again, but if it makes my mom heart go all smushy again, I’d do it all day long.

 I think I’ve changed a lot since the first day we arrived here.

I think I’m so much calmer now. Sure, helping the kids with homeworks and whatnot has been exhausting, what more now that Rafiy has started elementary school - but we understand the school procedures a lot now. They have regulations and procedures that are quite different (and more detailed) from Malaysia, so at first it seemed daunting, but now I can sign the boys’ renrakucho at first glance without questioning so much. So I count that as an achievement.

I’m so much I-don’t-give-a-fuck now. If a neighbour wants to pick apart our little things, well by all means. I don’t really care. If someone gives a side eye in the train cos of the kids being boys, well wtf should I do, cage them inside the house? If there’s a seat in the train and nobody wants to sit, well I’d be the first to do so. That polite Atil in Japan no longer exists. I pay taxes here, did I live here for free that I have to endure racist treatments?

By all means, they can go ahead and annoy me - but best believe I’d fight back :)

Or maybe this is just my menses talking..

 Drama this morning.

Rayyan woke up extra early today cos he heard Mommy was getting ready for work. Rafiy woke up and got cranky cos well he wants to be the one who got up the earliest (which means extra screen time before going to school, I’ve gotta discipline him)

Then Rayfa, as usual, woke up the latest among these 3 and got cranky cos she didn’t want to shower. Then when Rafiy and Rayyan are about to go to school, Rafiy suddenly realized his school bag was too heavy for him, so he wanted to wear it sideways instead. Which practically is not possible.

So he got crankier.

And Mommy was about to lose it.

And that was how Mommy reached office all cranky and in a bad mood, too.

(Am so gonna make those kids read this back when they’re older and claim back my sanity)

 When I first came here, all those years ago - at 19, I wasn’t really homesick because I had a boyfriend. He was my soulmate, who I’ve only known for almost 2 years by that time, but felt like I’d known him for years. The one who I spent my breakfast during weekends with at our college cafe, and sometimes lunch and movies at the mall.

So I wasn’t really homesick, being at boarding school for 5 years also helped at that. But I missed my boyfriend, so terribly - I couldn’t imagine living at my university without him. So we met everytime we had the opportunity to do so, usually during public holidays when we could travel somewhere together.

And so, Fukuoka became my third home, just as Hiroshima became his.

Then we came back to Japan as a married couple, with 3 kids. I thought I’m going to be so homesick, but turns out I didn’t. I kept waiting for the day that I’m going to break down and cry, wanting to go back to the familiar place.

But I didn’t. I haven’t, still.

Then we went back to Malaysia for a 2-week break. Spent a lot of time with our respective families, loved seeing and hugging my mom and sisters like finally, even made my mom kiss my cheeks - the last time she kissed my face was probably the day I got married.

Then after a blissful (and completely exhausting) 2 weeks, we came back to Japan. I cried, my mom cried, everyone cried. 

But once we reached the airport, there was a sense of relief came over me. The whole time in Malaysia, I was happy but nervous - I can’t put a word on it. But that feeling was gone once we reached here.

And when we got home, smelling that air inside the house entrance (genkan - I don’t know why but Japanese genkan always has some sort of smell!) calmed me down immediately, I have no idea why. And once we were home, it was like we never left. 

And that feeling, to me, maybe is home. I’m finally home.

 Went to Jakarta for the first time last week for a business trip. 

I can’t even remember the last time I went abroad for work, but this time definitely felt different. The stress was there of course - after all, you’re there not for fun but it felt more enjoyable than the last time with old company. The expectation is there but manageable. The bosses are there but they made you feel welcome - up till this moment, I still wonder what I did right to end up with the best boss, best department, best corporate environment ever.

And the food, oh my God, the best ever. The best thing about Indonesia is the food I think, aside from the hospitality. I can have nasi ayam penyet or ayam geprek all day errrday!

It’s been quite a long time since I last attended a conference for work. If last time my scope was more on technical side, this time I was able to experience the business and management side of the projects, and I feel immensely grateful. It’s a different mountain altogether, but I feel like I can do this? 

And that’s a feeling so monumental to me you have no idea.

Will be back for sure. Missing Jakarta already..


my brain dump.