Mommy's sorry

Last weekend, we were on our way back to KL from JB. FIL was back from Dubai and was so generous he sponsored all 13 grandkids to Legoland where we spent our weekend.

So. Were in the car, probably had 1 hour plus before reaching KL. I was exhausted, hubs was driving and Rayyan, who had been relatively well-mannered (for his standard) throughout the first 2 hours, started to show restless signs.

He saw me nibbling on something (which I wanted to smack myself for not seeing it coming). Immediately wanted some, so I offered some to him. He suddenly didn’t want it for some God forsaken reason and got frustrated, for some God forsaken reason and cried. I showed him something else – his favourite biscuits, but he still rejected. Cried some more.

I was at wits’ end.

So used to be the one who’d have to play the bad cop (Daddy’s always the good cop -_-), I raised my voice and told him to settle down. Already agitated, he refused and kept pushing me away. Tried pulling him closer but he totally refused – the first time he’s ever refused me.

My heart broke into pieces. The world’s worst pain ever.

So I calmed myself, found some composure and took him into my arms, hugging him tight. Whispered to him,

“OK I know you’re hungry and you’re mad, if you don’t want to eat this we’ll find something to eat once we reach home okay? No need to throw tantrum like this. We’ll eat soon, Mommy promise”

He calmed down. The tears stopped. He listened to my now soft-toned voice.

I caressed his head, his soft long hair, hugged him tight and cited Al-Fatihah into his ears to calm myself down. Once finished, I looked at his face – he’s already sound asleep in my arms.

Then I realize..he probably wasn’t that hungry, but he was just mad at me for raising my voice to him. And confused. And scared. And exhausted from the long ride and hoped Mommy would understand - but she didn't.

I remembered all those times when I raised my voice to him, just so that I could discipline him (at least, I thought) – but I forgot to tell him that I still love him. I forgot that he might not understand it yet. I forgot he might misunderstood and thought his Mommy doesn’t love him anymore.

And I realize that ever since getting pregnant, he’s more attached to Shahrul compared to me. I’ve always brushed it off thinking it’s the pregnancy “vibe” – people says kids can sense his competition and let his guard up against the mom, but at that moment, I was sure it was because of me raising my voice to him constantly.

More times than I care to admit.

And in that ride home, I hugged him tighter than usual, sniffed his baby scent I’ve missed, caressed his long hair that looks like mine a lot. I forgot how much he resembles me, even emotionally.

I’m sorry, Rayyan, Mommy promise Mommy will be better after this in disciplining you.

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my brain dump.