Yesterday was hard for me.

I decided to delete my previous posts; the ones dated back in 2007 and 2008.

It was hard, let me tell you. Firstly, to decide; to delete or to let them stay. If I let them stay, I don't think I'll ever be able to move on and forget all the awful things happened.

If I deleted them, OMG they are just too many I'd feel so was as if I'm throwing away half of my life..cannot do it.

At last, I decided to delete some of the posts, and kept the rest as drafts - so that they won't appear here.

I am turning over a new leaf. And this blog shall do the job.

Truth is, it's not like I don't like myself in the past.
But a person's got to let go of all the things she doesn't want to remember.
And I feel terrible whenever I read back the sad/angry/emotional posts, and ashamed that people actually read those. What must they think of me..isk.

I hope I will write less melancholic entries, after this. Maybe it's hard not to anymore, especially when we know life is not all roses, but we can definitely focus on positive things rather than obsessing over unimportant things, can't we?
God willing.

I feel so much better already.

This has got to be the coolest picture my mum ever had.

Yes people she was actually jumping in this picture!!! Pfft she's too cool sometimes I feel old.

I was watching Friends, Season 8 Episode 9 - The One With The Rumour.

It was the one with Brad Pitt as the guest star in the show, and the episode was about Ross and Will(Brad Pitt) reavealed they made a 'I Hate Rachel' club when they were in high school because apparently Rachel was mean towards Will and Ross, when they were in high school.

And when Rachel found out about it, she was so shocked and said, "So you guys just sit around and hate me and say mean things about me??"

I felt like it was a big fat slap in the face.

So it is never OK to say mean things about other people, or make fun of them, or simply just talking about bad things about them. It is not OK. Especially when the person has never done anything to them.

I hate to just sit here and do nothing when I know what's going on.
I hate to give in.
I hate to just shut up and let them talk, like I did before.

It never ends. It never will.

But all I can do now is walk away. I know it doesn't mean they're not wrong, it doesn't mean I give in but it kills me that I just can't do anything.

Trust me, I'd do anything to make this thing stop.

I've cried enough. I've prayed enough.

Maybe it's time to let Him do His job.

I don't know if you've seen this, but if you haven't yet you MUST.

I'm never a Jonas fan, but this cracked me up so hard it almost made my day.

Just..don't watch it too much, it's not healthy.

Quoting Shahrul, it's "disturbing". Hehe.

Today, out of the blue I don't know why I have this sudden urge to talk to my grandmother; whom I call Atok.

I tried to ring her house phone number once, and twice, but the phone kept ringing. Nobody answered.

I don't know why I just feel so upset; it was so weird because I've never felt like this before. When my mum doesn't pick up my call several times, yeah, I do feel like this but never with my grandma.

All these time, I've never really had that special bond with my Atok. We are close, yeah, but just like other normal granddaughter-grandmother bond. It's not like I stay over at her house so often; in fact I rarely do so till at some point she would just call and ask me to help her do things - just to see me and spend some time with me.

I'm such a terrible, terrible granddaughter.

That's why today it feels weird, me being upset because I can't reach her. I love her with all my heart, and we do see each other every now and then when I'm back home but we never really share anything - unlike me and my mum. But when we meet, she'd treat me like I'm her only princess living in her castle, though the most painful part is I know I never did anything to deserve her kindness, except holding the title her granddaughter.

Maybe this is what they mean when they say 'I miss you so much'.
Because now I really, really miss her and need to talk to her.

It would so much easier if we were back home. I can just call her up or make my mum send me to her house. Just thinking about it makes me so mad at myself because I rarely do so; things that I should've done when I can but I didn't.

I miss you Atok.

So last Friday I really, really needed a getaway.

After hours of convincing Sidek, Didi and Duang, we went to Gifu Taikai on Friday night :)

Finally, after all these years.

It wasn't easy to convince them, I tell you. I had to bribe them with nasi beriani, though everyone knows my beriani really is not all that..pfft. But they went along anyway. Hehe.

(Next time, I'm not going to humiliate myself and bribe them with food anymore. Seriously.)

The journey takes 5-6 hours, so we had to leave at midnight to be there by morning. We went at 11 pm, reached Gifu at about 5 am. (Explains why my face and eyes looked so puffy in the pictures..pffft) I really don't get why some people like travelling in the middle of the night..i
t was so cold even in the car, and the three of us were crammed at the back seat of the car and woke up with our backs wasn't so fun, seriously. But it was my first time going on a long distance trip with them, so it was nice :)

But regardless, the taikai was fun :) Though I was an uninvited stranger at the Nagoya team's tent most of the time, they basically just leave me alone and let me do my thing (i.e watching the game from afar) which I'm really grateful of. Thank God Ejat was there.
Thank you to those who made it possible - Sidek, Afzam, Mat, Didi and Duang. And Wawa and Ana, the girls.

So now I can rest happily knowing I've been there.

The lace glove.

Chanel and leopard print. Simply marvelous.

Jimmy Choo. Got the similar one :)


I want to look like this when I grow up.

The jacket - the coolest.

Chanel craze. Someone get me one, pretty please?

My housemate saw this and went ballistic.
She went on and on about how I don't need this. Sigh. The difference.


I fell in love with House Of Harlow 1960 ever since I fell in love with Nicole Richie.

Who wouldn't love her, anyway. She's pretty, she's skinny and petite, she has a great line, a super cute baby daughter and a son, and a super cool husband who would never cheat on her.(I don't know really..but still they made it till today) So basically she's my role model.

I'm a bangles-and-rings person, so I paid more attention to them. The necklaces are nice too, but I know I wouldn't wear them anywhere so I go for the bangles instead. I do like her Black Resin necklace, though. Very classy.

Rakuten has House Of Harlow, by the way. I am over the moon :)

Retail therapy always works.

I'm feeling so much better now.

Meet Tom.

We basically just called him Putih, but apparently according to my mum the name wasn't fancy enough so we began calling him Tom; short for Tompok.

He came to my house after 5 days I was home - I was nagging my brother to look for a cat cause I'm such a sad lonely person I need a cat at home - and suddenly this little fella came by our window, asking for food. Being the good-nature-friendly person that I am, I gave him nasi with ayam KFC(leftovers. I know. Cats nowadays just eat fancy food I tell you) and he kept coming to our house since then.

He is the love of my life, the company when I'm bored, the sleeping partner.

I miss him so much :(

If my mum gave him away(like she did with our previous cats) again, I swear I'm gonna cry. Having to part from him was bad enough.

It would be Channel E!. :(

Even though I've seen the same thing over and over again, I still love this channel. Yes I watch The Kardashians too, I was so bored and out of my mind and my brain couldn't function properly, I'm sorry.

It was my best friend at home, seriously.


I am currently listening to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory and Meteora.

Boy, it's been such a long time.

And this is after hours of Lenka.

I can move on from one thing to an entirely different thing pretty easily, you know. It's almost like a specialty.

OK, so. I've been spending my time today in bed reading a Marian Keyes book - Watermelon that I bought, like, a month ago at Queensbay Mall. I was so excited seeing her books lined up so perfectly at the Borders so I went and bought 3 of her books - Watermelon, Anybody Out There and This Charming Man. The last one was recommended by friends, saying how great the book was, bla bla...turned out I didn't like it as much as I like the other two.

But, personally, I think Anybody Out There is the best.

I think maybe because I can relate everything about it - the girl, the relationship, the feeling of missing a man. I was actually crying at almost every chapter, I kid you not. It was so touching. This Charming Man, on the other hand, to me is way too serious and dramatic for me. I couldn't relate much to the characters especially Grace I don't know why. And I think the way the book was divided into parts - and different fonts, too - is why I kept on turning page after page without really wanting to know what happen. So I didn't finish it. Hehe.

But trust me, go read Anybody Out There. The best ever.

I'm on my way with Watermelon, but so far I can tell I'm loving it.

This week is the first week of school, I know I shouldn't spend my time reading novels. Oh well. I can start studying tomorrow. We'll see.

I've been using Ping! for a while now.

To those of you who didn't know, Ping! is an application for iphone and functions similarly to BBM for Blackberry. You don't have to pay to send messages, you can send them text anytime and anywhere, no roaming charges. So basically you can get in touch with your friends worldwide without having to worry about your bill!

Of course, there are a lot more applications which function just like Ping!, but I personally like this the most. The interface is also good.

Just now my friend just introduced me to Whatsapp application, which is similar to Ping!, but I have yet to try it.

We'll see which one is better.

But till then, feel free to Ping! me - zatilaqmar :)

So today was the first day of school.

Actually school started like last Thursday but I had to skip Thursday's classes since I've just came back from Malaysia and I have only one class on Friday. So today was more official.

I've been down with fever since Sunday but I thought I can make it through today, at least, because I didn't want to skip more classes.

'Fraid not.

After the first class I went to the Health Centre to check my temperature and the nurse got the shock of her life when she sees my temperature was 38.5 Celsius. She was like, "OMG!! You probably have the influenza because your temperature is too high! GO SEE THE DOCTOR NOW!!"

I swear I'm not kidding, I almost burst into laughter at that very moment. Yeah Japanese do exaggerate sometimes. Everytime.

So after that I went to see sensei and told him I can't go to the evening's classes, and went to the clinic.

And the doctor made me undergo the influenza's test.

It was horrible.

She took this one long stick, almost like a dawai and began shoving it up my nose. Seriously. The pain was so revolting I actually had tears on my eyes. After a few minutes she took it out and put it in this one thing that tells you whether you have influenza or not by the position of the liquid.

You will know the result after 8 minutes, according to the doctor.

Thank God, turns out I don't have influenza, but she wants me to keep track with my sore throat and body's temperature to see if it'll get better or something..I didn't exactly pay any attention after that cause I was too busy thanking God that I'm free of the disease.

I wish I'd never have to go through the whole process again. It's too tiring; what more with this fever I have, and frightening; what if it turned out I have influenza?

If there's one thing I learned today it's that when you're sick please wear your mask, people. No matter where you are. You'll never know.


my brain dump.