A moment I’ve never processed until now..

…is the moment I cried in women’s toilet at my office (previous workplace, not current) because one of my male colleagues organized a meeting, to discuss on the work I had been working on for months before that, only because I confided in him that I was struggling to complete the task..

So he decided to organize the discussion “to discuss ideas on how to help Zatil”, inviting several other colleagues, 

making me look like a failure.

I had never thought or wondered why I cried, until now. 

At that time, just after I saw the meeting invitation, I ran to the toilet. (Well not to be dramatic) and I really didn’t plan on crying, but coincidentally one of my seniors was in the toilet and she saw I was upset.

I started crying once I could let the words out.

I had never felt so humiliated my entire life. Upset was an understatement.

“Well I just wanted to help you…” was probably what he would say to excuse his action at that time, but to me, that was one of the living proof how it was like working as a female in a male-dominated industry. He would NEVER do that to another male colleague, would he?

He would never.

So I literally was busting my ass to complete the task as best I could, only for him to come sweeping in like a hero, claiming he just wanted to help.

Poor my senior, having to listen to me rambling and crying my eyes out, but that was one of the things I was grateful about; actually having her to listen.

The thing is, I think what made me so upset was because I was so tired of being pushed around. I was so tired of doing everything I could to make everyone happy. I was tired of being told what to do. I was tired of taking care of everyone’s feelings. I was tired of not getting the results I hoped for, after doing the same task over and over again. And at last, when he pulled that act, it was the last straw for me. (Such is corporate world..)

Once I was done crying (was actually surprised of how much I cried at that point, because I’d never cry at the office, what more in front of another colleague) I braved myself out, and let the male colleague know how much I was upset over his “well-meaning discussion invitation” and asked him to cancel it.

He was giving excuses, but eventually he did.

And I think I had respected myself more, since that day, that I was brave enough to stand up for myself.

And I hope he would never do that to another female colleague, ever. At least not without her permission.

And boyyyy sometimes I can be quite dramatic huh X)