the Japanese dilemma

Came across this old picture of one of my many subject notes back in uni, a subject's printed slides, and a denshijisho (electronic dictionary).

And suddenly I just feel..sad.

It's been years since I last speak this (not so proudly) third mother tongue of mine. Like literally, ever since coming back to Malaysia I haven't gotten the chance to use it unless I'm with another person who also speaks Japanese, or when I stumbled into a Japanese tourist asking for LRT station direction in the middle of Jalan Imbi (it happened!), or when I paid a visit to the Japanese embassy to get my tourist visa done - these chances to use are pretty slim.

My husband, on the other hand, is luckier. He works at a company which hails all the way from the land of the rising sun, so his everyday basis is talking, writing and thinking in Japanese. So much that I'm envious - my Japanese is already deteriorating, while his is getting better. Hmph.

He seems to get along with his Japanese friends better, too.

And now that we have Rayyan, I've been thinking about his education; and Japanese proficiency is in the list from the start. I keep thinking that he should have that instilled in some parts of him, too - since his parents does. Only problem is that, back in uni I didn't have such a colorful experience in using Japanese - I remember feeling crappy whenever I forgot some vocabs, or when I found a gaijin who speaks so fluently it blew my mind, or when I'm struggling to finish an assignment which requires some sort of the highest Japanese proficiency level to pass; it wasn't a happy place for me.

(Which you would have guessed from the archives haha T.T)

And even now, I don't think I like it anymore. Not much love is left there besides for my Hanadan and a couple of Japanese dramas I'd re-watch over and over again. Or Yamapi (was into him some years ago WTF). Even now, I hate it when Shahrul plays a certain Japanese girl singer's album in the car because I found her high-pitched voice and upbeat music so typical - when I used to be Ayumi Hamasaki's fan!

And all these..just makes me sad. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic, but it's sad to think that it was a part of my life some years ago, so easily being forgotten and outcasted - even though it's my own choice.

Or someone else's.

Either way, I hope there will be some day in the future when my son would learn this part of me and actually appreciates it.

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my brain dump.