I think there are some time in life that you get lucky.

I think at the moment, I’m in that phase. I don’t know how long it’s gonna last, but I’m going to savor every minute of it.

 I usually call my mom once a week. It didn’t change much from my uni days - back then I would call her after every paper, and once a week when we’re off exam season.

Last week’s conversation had me thinking.

We talked about our health and wellbeing. My mom is blessed with a good health overall alhamdulillah, no major disease, heart as good as new. The only thing is her knee - she had a fell a few years back and has been having trouble sitting with folded knees, etc. 

We had doctors looking at her condition, but the answers are always the same - it’s age. Her knees are lacking some fluids, and since my late grandma had the same condition, it’ probably genetics.

It’s OK. I can still move around and solat and do my chores - it’s not affecting me badly

And then she said,

If one day it’s my time to go, I want to go without burdening my kids - just like your dad. The way he passed away, even though it was sudden, it was not burdening me at all. He didn’t have a prolonged disease, he was just alive one minute, and the second not. I want to be like that.

And I just didn’t know what to say. So it was a long silence.

I’m learning and coping everyday, and I hope to be half the woman my mom is.


 Love that it rhymes, lol.

Also loveeee that I now get to take better quality pictures of this painting outside my balcony!

 Remember more than 10 years ago, when you first visited Tokyo? 

When you looked at the neon lights scattering around the city, thinking how beautiful they are?

Remember when you thought, wow, it would be such a nice nice life if you could live here forever?

So you have to be ok with the now.

Yes, you have to be ok feeling like your language ability is never enough.
You have to be ok with using google translate app for every single time your kids are doing their homework to help them.
You have to be ok with every other ojichan and obachan watching every bit of you on the train, at the street, everywhere.
You have to be ok with being dismissed whenever you’re trying to ask for help in a supermarket, or shop, or restaurants. Sometimes that happens.
You have to be ok with being extra friendly, so that you don’t come off as unfriendly, arrogant immigrant.
You have to be ok with pleading with your kids’ teachers to be extra patient and helpful to your kids cos they don’t know Japanese language.

And so many more.
I have to be ok with that. 

(In no particular order)

I want to read a lot more. Read 29 books in 2023, which is a massive upgrade from my 2023 plan, so I have a high expectation in 2024 in this department.

I want to travel a lot more. Travel like a local means discovering places lesser known to tourists, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I want to say thank you to God a lot more. I feel like I always take this for granted - and now, more than ever, I KNOW I should’ve done it way more. 

This is so cliche, but I want to have a healthier body, which means better diet and exercises. Yoga made a huge difference to my life before, so I know if I really want to do it, I can. 

I want to care less. (Except when it’s about my kids.)

I want to care more about my health. Getting that high cholesterol result from my medical checkup was a huge blow, especially when my late dad passed away due to the same disease when he was 46 years old. 

I want to participate in school activities more than last year. 

I want to learn as many new things as I can at current workplace. I want to grow as a new person. I think people got mistaken a lot about expats working at a foreign country - people always thought we try hard to be one of them locals - but actually, that’s not true. I don’t want to be one of them, simply because in reality it’s unattainable? Why would I want to do that, when being different is special? I want to learn, and be on the other side as a completely new person.

I want to return to Fuji-san and go explore places we haven’t been to before.

I want to go hiking!! For real!!

I want to to more concerts lol.

I want to love more.


my brain dump.