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Malaysian in Tokyo. Welcome to my happy space!

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my 36th birthday

 Never in my wildest dream, that I will face the day when I'm turning to an age closer to 40s than 30s. 

But hey, getting older means getting wiser.

So I shall celebrate!



So I watched Kardashians (the old season) quite a bit today. Netflix has a season 13 (I think) out just recently and it popped up on my feed, so I thought I'd continue feeding my curiosity on the drama that is the Kardashians' life.

And Kim just had a confirmation on her inability to bear more kids, because of her previous pregnancy's complications. She had to undergo a treatment as a last resort on getting herself strong enough to carry a baby, but ultimately her doctor confirmed that she couldn't. Still, she had to wear a urine bag outside of her body due to the surgery cause she couldn't pee on her own.

And that reminds me. I COULDN'T PEE ON MY OWN WHEN I WAS PREGNANT!

Since Kim made a whole TV show about her not getting to pee on her own because of pregnancy, let me make a blogpost about it ok. Yes, just for the 12 of you guys (still) reading this.

When I was pregnant with Rayyan, I remember I was more than 5 months into my pregnancy cause my belly was huge, and one night I fell asleep on the bed after going home from a berbuka session with our family. I was so exhausted, I drank a lot of water but didn't go to the toilet before I fell asleep. Well, lo and behold...I woke up at midnight with a full (almost burst, I think) bladder, desperately needed to go to the toilet to pee.

And when I sat on the toilet, nothing came out.

I remember thinking, what kind of sorcery is this? I've never had this before? Why won't it come out when I *know* for a fact it's so full in there?

And the pain was so excruciating. It's like, the muscle refused to cooperate with my bladder, and my bladder was MAD.

I didn't know what to do, so I googled. Tried a few of the suggestions - listen to trickling of water, etc. but nothing worked. Desperate, I woke up my husband, feeling so defeated that I couldn't believe my husband would see me like this lol.

Went to the 24-hour clinic cause I couldn't bear the pain any longer. Ever felt like your bladder is going to explode? That was how it's like for me. 

Reached the clinic, and the doctor was skeptical. "I think maybe it's just psychological? I mean there's nothing wrong physically there.."

I've never hated a human being called a doctor so much in my whole life.

Begged my husband to send me to the emergency cause I couldn't deal with another annoying doctor anymore. Poor guy, he was so worried since it was our first pregnancy and he had no idea what I was going through. 

Reached emergency, had a doctor and specialist looking at my condition, and they inserted a catheter inside my freaking hoo-ha.

"That's the only way to drain the bladder and reduce the pain you're feeling"

And I swear to God, inserting a catheter inside your hoo-ha is 1000 times more painful than childbirth (and this is coming from me after 3 pregnancies)

The pain was so unbearable I cried. Husband panicked but bless his heart he was with me and my pee bag all the way through. But once the catheter tube is in, and I could feel the pee coming out of my bladder...

The pain subsided. And the doctor even had to change to a new bag, cause they collected about 1 L of pee from my bladder that night.

Psychological my arse.

That was probably the most painful thing I had to endure during my pregnancy. Weird thing is, no one could figure out why my muscles around the area weren't cooperating when I needed to pee that I had to use the catheter. Because I couldn't pee on my own.

And I had this for all 3 pregnancies, can you imagine? Second pregnancy, I was too traumatic from this experience that I never let my bladder gets full - I would always make sure I go to the toilet after a sip of water. There's no way I'm gonna let myself being inserted with a catheter ever again.

But then, during my third pregnancy the same thing happened again - but thank God the doctor who inserted the catheter did it so gently, it didn't hurt as much as the first time - or maybe my muscles just grew accustomed to it..

Just thinking about it gives me chills.

So yes. Basically me and Kim K, we're the same. Same experience, but somehow I get to carry 3 babies on my own, so I feel for her that she needed to get a surrogate. 

So there. Thanks for letting me be dramatic about this. I mean Kim get to have a whole TV show about it, so what's a blogpost, right?

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