Friday, March 10, 2017

The day I felt like a failure

Yesterday, I was home quite late due to traffic as it was raining. It was a long day for me – had some meetings, teleconferences, etc at work and this week my belly feels somewhat heavier than usual.

#thirdtrimesterproblems

So I was exhausted. Told Shahrul a few days ago that I’m planning to order out today, i.e. McD or KFC because on days that work takes so much out of me, I don’t want to deal with having to come home late in the evening and make rice and prepare for dinner while having Rayyan scream for me at the living room (super clingy these days). Ordering out McD or KFC saves me a lot of trouble because I could spend that time resting on the couch while waiting for the food.

But he was fasting yesterday, and he requested for white rice and tomyam. Considering that he was fasting, I obliged – it was too late to cook so I ordered tomyam from a stall near our house and cooked rice, made some eggs and reheated some leftovers from the day before.

All the while..having Rayyan crying and screaming for me at the living room.

Finally around 7 pm, Shahrul was home. I left them and went upstairs to change my work clothes – hadn’t had the chance to do so since I got home. Got changed, refreshed myself a bit, took wuduk and went downstairs. Continued preparing the dishes.

Azan maghrib was heard. As usual, we sat together and had dinner. But suddenly, Rayyan decided that he didn’t want to have rice nor chicken but he wanted to have cereal with milk. So I took a bowl, poured the cereal and milk with a spoon and gave it to him. In between, managed to finish my dinner, quickly washed my hands and attended to him having his dinner.

By then, he already decided that he wanted to eat the cereal..with his bare hands. So both his hands were soaked in milk, milk spills everywhere and Koko Krunch looks like something you can find on the floor of your dirty bathroom.

And as the last gift of the day, he finished his cereal (somehow) and put his bowl back on the table – but then suddenly it fell on the floor (table was slippery because of the milk spills). Milk spilled everywhere again; this time also on his clothes and pants. Shahrul took him to the bathroom to clean him up while I wiped the table and floor.

Took him upstairs to change to a fresh new pajamas, but he refused – so while Shahrul was dressing him, he was kicking and screaming as if the pajamas were his ultimate enemy which shall not be touched upon his skin.

Somehow managed to get them downstairs (Shahrul miraculously managed to get Rayyan have his shirt on) and I went back upstairs.

And I broke down.

I cried like mad. Don’t know if it was the exhausting day for me, or it was the hormones, or anything at all – the feeling of failure as a mom and a human being just came over me, so I cried.

At that moment, I regretted everything.

I regretted getting pregnant when I know I’d have to deal with the motherhood stuff and the exhausted-ness that comes with it.

I regretted working my ass off at the office that day because I have to come home too exhausted to play with my son.

I regretted not coming home earlier to make dinner properly as what a dutiful wife should be.

It was the first time that I felt like I’ve failed..in something I take pride of.

Yesterday I felt like I failed as a mom and a wife.

Motherhood is a tough journey. It’s a learning process every day for me – and at times when I’m feeling down, the joy of seeing Rayyan running around smiling just makes up for the hardness it comes with (such a cliché but such a truthful statement I learned throughout my motherhood journey). And I think being able to talk about it with your partner helps, too – especially when he knows when to pick up the slack when you feel like you’ve had enough.

Yesterday I felt like I failed as a mom and a wife.

3 comments:

  1. Dear Zatil,
    I read this entry twice to find where is the exact part that made u a failed mom/wife..
    But I found NONE...haha
    What you've been through was really a typical moment that you will encounter more in the future when you had your baby..huhuhu
    Not trying to scare you, but believe me when you had more than one kid your life will literally be upside down..
    There's no such thing as a perfect 'plan’..
    Every day you will make a virtual plan in your head that you want to do this..you want to do that..but rarely it will come as planned.
    To me the secret is, just to do your best. Yes, you will be freaking exhausted, sometimes physically and emotionally drained but at the end when you know you've given your best you can forgive yourself..haha
    All I’m trying to say is that you’re doing just FINE.. or better still, you’re doing TERRIFIC..
    “Allow yourself to really feel your feelings... it’s ok to bare your soul, breakdown and cry.
    Because through breakdown comes your breakthrough” – Source from Google
    Chin up dear..it’s just your hormones la… ; P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nurul,

      Such a good advice coming from a fellow mom, I don't know what to say! Haha. OK in all honesty when I read back the post after I had some time to calm down during the weekend, I get that I could be overreacting/overemotional..LOL.
      But reading your comment made my day :) Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this.
      It's a tough journey especially I'm at this phase in learning to cope when my plans don't go well - it's a lot easier when Rayyan was still small and I can dictate everything, now that he's grown and have his own mind..omg I really need to learn to cope -_-
      Thanks fellow mom! Taking note that I should know when to forgive myself when things don't go as planned. That's the most important thing I've learned throughout this experience, I think.

      Delete
  2. mothers, always overstretching themselves, hehe no worries dear you will get through this phase soon..

    ReplyDelete

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