The day I felt like a failure

Yesterday, I was home quite late due to traffic as it was raining. It was a long day for me – had some meetings, teleconferences, etc at work and this week my belly feels somewhat heavier than usual.

#thirdtrimesterproblems

So I was exhausted. Told Shahrul a few days ago that I’m planning to order out today, i.e. McD or KFC because on days that work takes so much out of me, I don’t want to deal with having to come home late in the evening and make rice and prepare for dinner while having Rayyan scream for me at the living room (super clingy these days). Ordering out McD or KFC saves me a lot of trouble because I could spend that time resting on the couch while waiting for the food.

But he was fasting yesterday, and he requested for white rice and tomyam. Considering that he was fasting, I obliged – it was too late to cook so I ordered tomyam from a stall near our house and cooked rice, made some eggs and reheated some leftovers from the day before.

All the while..having Rayyan crying and screaming for me at the living room.

Finally around 7 pm, Shahrul was home. I left them and went upstairs to change my work clothes – hadn’t had the chance to do so since I got home. Got changed, refreshed myself a bit, took wuduk and went downstairs. Continued preparing the dishes.

Azan maghrib was heard. As usual, we sat together and had dinner. But suddenly, Rayyan decided that he didn’t want to have rice nor chicken but he wanted to have cereal with milk. So I took a bowl, poured the cereal and milk with a spoon and gave it to him. In between, managed to finish my dinner, quickly washed my hands and attended to him having his dinner.

By then, he already decided that he wanted to eat the cereal..with his bare hands. So both his hands were soaked in milk, milk spills everywhere and Koko Krunch looks like something you can find on the floor of your dirty bathroom.

And as the last gift of the day, he finished his cereal (somehow) and put his bowl back on the table – but then suddenly it fell on the floor (table was slippery because of the milk spills). Milk spilled everywhere again; this time also on his clothes and pants. Shahrul took him to the bathroom to clean him up while I wiped the table and floor.

Took him upstairs to change to a fresh new pajamas, but he refused – so while Shahrul was dressing him, he was kicking and screaming as if the pajamas were his ultimate enemy which shall not be touched upon his skin.

Somehow managed to get them downstairs (Shahrul miraculously managed to get Rayyan have his shirt on) and I went back upstairs.

And I broke down.

I cried like mad. Don’t know if it was the exhausting day for me, or it was the hormones, or anything at all – the feeling of failure as a mom and a human being just came over me, so I cried.

At that moment, I regretted everything.

I regretted getting pregnant when I know I’d have to deal with the motherhood stuff and the exhausted-ness that comes with it.

I regretted working my ass off at the office that day because I have to come home too exhausted to play with my son.

I regretted not coming home earlier to make dinner properly as what a dutiful wife should be.

It was the first time that I felt like I’ve failed..in something I take pride of.

Yesterday I felt like I failed as a mom and a wife.

Motherhood is a tough journey. It’s a learning process every day for me – and at times when I’m feeling down, the joy of seeing Rayyan running around smiling just makes up for the hardness it comes with (such a cliché but such a truthful statement I learned throughout my motherhood journey). And I think being able to talk about it with your partner helps, too – especially when he knows when to pick up the slack when you feel like you’ve had enough.

Yesterday I felt like I failed as a mom and a wife.