Friday, February 10, 2017

first time for the second time

A few weeks ago, I had some bleeding. It was unusual because I didn’t have any the last time I was pregnant with Rayyan so I was a bit worried. My pregnancy with Rayyan was smooth Alhamdulillah – I didn’t have any major complications (except this one time) so this time when I saw some blood down south at the toilet, I was quite alarmed.

Hubs? He was worried too, even offered to take me to the doctor but I didn’t to burden him so I asked him to go to work while I go to the clinic alone. He obliged – I realized that when it comes to pregnancy-baby-related things, he’d follow what I told him to do without a word. (Think I shall ask for a new bag when something like this happens again)

So. Went to the clinic and met the doctor. Explained what I’ve been having for the past few days – some light spotting in my underwear without any abdominal pain. She took a look at my record – how far along I am, etc and asked me to lie on the bed for a scan.

“We need to check if the baby is okay”


So she did the usual – putting some lube on my belly, using the scanner thingy on it while looking at the screen.

Then, there it was. The baby, kicking and moving and pusing around inside my belly, virtualized on the screen. Swear I could hear her breath of relief lol.

Not that I wasn’t expecting the worst – I did, in fact every time I saw the spots my heart would drop thinking if my baby is OK. The why’s – why did it happen, why didn’t I have these spots while I was pregnant with Rayyan, does this mean there’s a problem, etc. especially when it happened during early pregnancy when I couldn’t feel the baby move yet. 

But deep inside I just knew..I felt like if something happens, my gut would tell me.

And that day, my gut tells me that the baby’s okay, I’m okay.


And the doctor told me just that. She said the spots were probably caused by the cervix – usually when the mom does heavy work i.e lifting up things, exercising, walking or intercourse it can cause some “injuries” to the cervix, hence the bleeding. So she asked me to get bed rest and not doing any heavy work – basically just stay at home lying on the bed.

Still doesn't sound like everything's alright, but at this stage, I'm just thankful to see him moving and kicking like he usually would. 

It was the first time that I went to see a doctor and saw my baby without Shahrul around, and it felt different. Usually I’d be accompanied by Shahrul and Rayyan too, so when we see the baby on the screen together we’d exchange looks and watch Rayyan’s reactions and laugh. I realized how I was never completely "alone" during those visits - there was always someone there to "share" the moment with me. That day, it was just me, the doctor and the baby – I couldn’t describe the feeling.

It felt like for the first time ever, I feel this connection to my second child, without others’ present. That day, it felt like it was just me and him.

Probably why the sonogram I got from the doctor that day is the only sonogram I've been carrying around in my bag ever since. (don't tell Rayyan haha) It's a special one to me, because it reminds me of that special moment.

And even though I’m already a mother, this experience makes me feel like the first-time mom again. And how incredibly happy and blessed I feel to have this second baby, even how early or soon people say we are in this step.

And how I can’t wait to hold my second baby in my arms in the next few months. 

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