Monday, April 08, 2013

my own company.

So I'm done with my annual assessment. Safely tucked all the documents and books inside the cupboard.

I shall see you again next year, darlings.


Anyway. There is one book in particular I'm into now - regardless how many times I've read it.



How to be Lovely by Melissa Hellstern is meant as an unofficial biography of Audrey Hepburn cause it contains all the previous interviews done by the iconic actress; so in other words, it's all about her quotes. And relating to her legendary life.

I wanted this book initially was because of the pictures, but I'm so glad I bought it. I would say the title doesn't do it justice because it should've been "How to Live your Life Gracefully" as there are so many things that have been bothering me lately - and this book kinda gives me a perspective I never thought it could.

From the book, I've learned that living life isn't all about other people, or things around you, or the so-called world-y desires. It's about learning to feel contented and to not pressure yourself too much. It's about accepting yourself completely without focusing on those flaws you see or pointed by other people.

It's such an irony because today, my colleagues and I were chatting and suddenly one of them go "Zatil why are you so anti-social?" because I turned down their invite to go watch a movie on Wednesday night.

And I don't know why but the words keep ringing in my head.

I enjoy peacefulness of my own space. I'm a morning person so I go to work earlier than anyone else and I love how calm it is when I go to the pantry to make my morning coffee, I love how I have the choice to go home earlier some days just because I'm entitled to do so, I love spending some alone time in the car while listening to the radio.



So when one of the colleagues points out how anti-social I am, I realized that while I'm comfortable in my own skin, it hurts someone else. The statement/question might be driven by those few occasions when I refused to go out so late on weekdays, or when I refused to go watch movies at night, etc, so I understand. 

But I also realized that I can't certainly expect them to understand my space, things I'm comfortable doing, or things I'm not. It's no surprise that my close girlfriends would never question why I rarely go hooha-ing at night because they already know every bit of me (sigh, it's true. I'm such a grandma) but for my colleagues, it's certainly a point they don't seem to comprehend. 

So sometimes when you feel like you're doing something right, take note of how it affects other people too. I might be able to loosen up a bit someday but I will never let it change me for who I am, as long as it doesn't hurt other people. 
 
But regardless, it's such a relief to know how comfortable I am even if it doesn't make sense.
 

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