losing you.

I got a call my sister a few hours ago, telling me that my grandma has passed away after being admitted to ICU since yesterday.

As soon as I heard her voice, my heart dropped. I knew that voice. I'm familiar with that tone of voice. I've heard it before.

I didn't know what to say, so I just cried. I asked her about the details, about how mum's doing because my mum is the closest person to Atok. They're mother and daughter but they're more like sisters cause my mum was always by Atok's side, they spent a lot of time together and mum was always the one who'd take care of Atok, as our house is so close. She said mum's doing fine, she's sad but she's holding it together. Told me to be calm and pray and recite Yasin for Atok. She was crying too, and she said don't worry everyone's here and we'll take care of Atok. She told me not to call mum just yet cause she might be more upset hearing my voice.

And I just couldn't stop crying. God knows how much I hated being in this situation; being the only one who couldn't be there. When they needed me the most. When mum needed me the most.

So I quickly called Shahrul to tell him, cried even more, told him I need to pray and perform my Maghrib. Took Quran and recited Yasin a few times, and even then, I feel helpless. I feel like everything I did wasn't enough, so took my Ma'thurat and read a few times.

I feel so helpless. I want to do everything I can for my Atok but I don't know what else to do except praying for her and sedekah Yasin to her.

I want to go on that plane so badly, but I have mid-term presentation coming up on Friday and it's impossible for my lecturer to let me off.

I can't even see my grandma for the last time, the woman who raised me ever since I was a baby till I'm in primary school. She was practically my second mother, and I can't do anything for her.

Spent a few hours reciting Quran, and here I am writing this post, cause God knows how many times I've been down and blogging is what makes me feel at peace. 

Dearest Atok, 

I'm so sorry I can't be by your side right now. I want so badly, but I won't be allowed to skip this presentation and mum won't allow me to skip too so I can't do anything. Kak Una told me you were surrounded with the whole family, your children, grandsons and granddaughters, so I was a bit happy to know you were in good hands.

I guess God knows I can't take it too.

I don't know how to cope going back home only to find a crowd of people at our house, and it wasn't a celebration. I don't know how to cope seeing the kereta mayat in front of the house. I can't see mum crying, it'd make me weak at my knees in an instant, I feel like I'm about to faint.

I can't take it anymore. After Tok Timah passed away when I was in Form 1, and Dad passed away when I was in Form 3, I don't think I can take going home just to find sad news waiting for me.

Atok, I hope you weren't in much pain when you go. I prayed that God took you just as gentle as you, I prayed that you forgave all my sins before you left us. I'm thankful that I had that chance to spend some time with you when I was home for Raya, I still remember your happy face when you saw me. Even though I couldn't call you as frequent as before, you never complained - that's just how kindhearted and understanding you are, but I can see you were in tears everytime I had to go to the airport.

When Tok Timah passed away, I remember being on the graveyard, under a tree, on Dad's lap - he was so sad cause he lost his mum. I remember looking at his face and held his hands, and he told me 'Tok Timah is gone'. I was 13, and I was young - but I knew the pain was unbearable for him.

When Dad passed away, I remember sitting by the bed, reciting Yasin when relatives came in and out to see him. I remember seeing you, sitting with your friends in the living room cause you couldn't sit properly as your legs had to be positioned a certain way to sit on the floor, so I went to sit with you. I remember you said 'cucu Atok..kesian cucu Atok' and you just held me in your arms the whole day, you'd never let me be alone.

And now, years later, I'm sitting in this house far away from home with no one to hold me like you did. Losing you hit me hard more than I can imagine, the frustration of not being able to be by your side right now is killing me.

I know that I should be stronger by now. I know that I should be more composed. But as it happens I feel weaker each time, feeling like everyone I love is being taken away from me. But we have to accept qada' and qadar, and be strong.

My dearest Atok, may you rest in peace. Always know that you'll be greatly missed, you were the strongest person I know, a trait I know was passed to mum.

Ya Allah, Kau cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh nenekku dan tempatkanlah nenekku di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Amin. Al-Fatihah.

To all friends who've kindly texted and messaged me, thank you for everything. May God bless you.


  1. atil, im so sorry for your lost. be strong dear as i bet she is in a better place now. i can really feel how u feel as every word u wrote in this post touches my heart. again, my sincerest takziah to u n ur family atil. *hugs*

    al fatihah...

  2. reading dis make me teared up.

    sorry for your loss.

    salam takziah~ be strong k..

  3. soleil_m, fiqah, kak sha, anon : thank you so much for the wishes..my family & I really appreciate it. it's true, she is in a better place now, so all I can do is pray and sedekah for her. your wishes meant a lot to me, thank you.



my brain dump.