There was a time when Rayyan was 3 or 4 years old.
We were on our back from the south, back to KL. At the time, we were living in Bandar Kinrara, the heart of the town and traffic jam was madness. It was the last day of a long holiday though I can’t remember what.
Rayyan and I were sitting at the back of the car while husband was driving. He couldn’t nap so he was playing and talking in his language and when he was uncomfortable, he would cry and cry although I had no idea why. I kept trying to entertain him; giving him snacks, distracting him, making him sit on my lap, hugging him for extra comfort, etc - but nothing was working.
He kept crying.
At one point, I was exhausted and snapped - I can’t remember what I said but I scolded him for not listening to me to sit still and be settled. He was shocked, and immediately stopped crying, but he had tears in his eyes.
And he did sit still all the way home. Only that he no longer acknowledge me; my voice, my hug, etc. He completely ignored me. He was mad, and hurt.
It was the first time he ever did that, and I was..heartbroken. I wished immediately that I could take it back, but I knew right there and then, my boy has feelings..and I need to understand him more.
I can’t remember what happens next, but nowadays whenever his attitude is testing my patience, I would go back to that moment and ask myself whether it’s worth it. I realize now that while my patience has its own limit, the kids have absolutely no grudge however we treat them at this age, because at the end of the day before going to bed they would come to me and kiss me good night. It’s a habit we developed and I am super grateful we did this because after a long day, even after getting scolded, they would forgive us enough to kiss us good night with a I love you.
So, now I think I should let this memory go and learn to be more patient instead, because I could not forgive myself in that moment. But I need to forgive myself now.
Just dropping by to say happy new year to you guys (all 3 of you still reading..)
2025 has been wonderfully..challenging, work wise. Family wise, happy happy happy and looking forward to more adventures with my little crew in 2026!
Last week was the start of winter holiday for us and the kids, so we went to Toyama for snow. Other than those 3 days, we went shopping to catch the new year deals and just spent the days leisurely at home. That means us parents waking up at 10 am while the kids were playing Nintendo switch and watching TV. It was so so fun because Rayfa would casually come into the room to check whether we are up yet and once she saw me open my eyes, she would announce to the entire house.
Gosh, I would never take these days for granted. Love love love mornings like these.
After this, school and work would restart again and we would be in our usual routine - waking up at 6 am, rushing the kids to get ready, breakfast, and off to school and work. But I know there will be off days where I could relive the past few days of leisure again, and I will work hard just so I could relive them again.
I remember back then there were 2 times that I braved myself to write a handwritten letter to you. I don’t remember now where I put the first one, but I put the second one in an album filled of my childhood pictures taken inside my room.
I read somewhere that sometimes grief could be healed by writing letters to said passed person. But I have no idea why I haven’t gotten over the grief of losing you.
Well why I’m writing today? Because I just realized just how over the moon you’d be if you are able to see your granddaughter today. Remember how you used to print out English worksheets for your students, which consisted of lyrics to Westlife songs? Well, I remember it so well, because you’d make me do every single worksheet so I’d learn English too. I was in standard 2, I think. But I loved the smell of those freshly printed worksheets, I was so happy that you included me in your work too.
You were my first English teacher, but you taught me so many things other than that. One of them is the love towards music, because I still remember those cheesy pop songs’ lyrics you printed for your students!
And your granddaughter..at 4 years old, she loves this Kpop band so much, Ayah. She is only fluent in Japanese language, she cannot speak in Malay but she can sing those songs in English so well! I’m still amazed at how fast she picks up those songs, but then I remember those times when you made me do the worksheets, at only 8 years old (although I have a feeling you started wayy before that)
You’d be so proud of her, Ayah. She reminds me of my childhood, while also being 90% the opposite of who I am.
I just wish you could meet her.
And the other day, I met my old friend who’ve just lost her lovely mom, to cancer. I was reluctant to ask her how she was coping, but I had to. And she asked me about losing you. I don’t know why but I told her, it’s something you’d never get over. All you can do is be strong and show up every day.
I miss you.
Ok so this is the latest guilty pleasure of mine.
Watching With Love, Meghan series on Netflix.
Gosh it is the most self-absorbed series ever, besides the Kardashians, but it is the most soothing self-absorbed series in the world.
Like, I want every bit of her life - forget the Birkin bag because why do you want that when you could have
A dreamy homey house filled with white creamish furniture and greens and a dedicated craft space in a whole other building
A whole other greenhouse filled with flowers and plants
A backyard garden full of flowers like orchids and lilies and herbs like basil and rosemary and veggies such as lettuces and carrots
A quaint little town where you can get up early and bring your guests to the market to get fish to cook for dinner
House near a beach where you can set up some beach chairs by the sea to serve your friends some homemade apple pies
Ohhh!!!! An orchard full of apples you have no idea what to do with the apples you decided to make apple jams to give as presents to family and friends
It must be crazy to live a life like that. My dream life. Why the hell did I move to the metropolitan city of Tokyo I have no idea.
But I know for now I feel some sense of accomplishment when I managed to solve some issues regarding cross-discipline engineering work. I feel like I have done something for the team when I get the “thank you for being here” smile and nod from my boss. I feel like I achieved my goal of the day when I managed to close out some technical memo after some gruelling discussions with the engineers. I feel content even in the train full of strangers after a day at work, lost reading my ebook in my phone knowing I’ll be reunited with my kids for dinner soon.
And that’s also another life I dream of, for now. I believe in manifesting and dreaming, so there might come a day, one day, that I get to own an orchard of my own, but Tokyo would have to do for now.
I am highly delusional. A lot of times, I would be daydreaming about what I would do or act in some situations - especially those which had happened in the past. I would be so delusional once I imagined about living my life as a Prime Minister lol.
I am sometimes quiet in company of people I love and also despise. If I am being bubbly I’m probably still gauging which of these 2 categories you fall in. But 50% of the time I am actually exhausted of talking. Talking drains me.
I am not into a social setting. Socializing drains me. I would be energetic at first, but 15 minutes is all it takes before my battery runs out. So it’s actually not about you.
I have 2 pre-teen boys, and I have no idea how to adjust from being a mommy to 2 cute boys to 2 smelly (I mean boys stink) and sweat-everywhere kind of boys. How come they were once so cuddly and kissable and now so stinky?!
I am so glad me and husband decided we’ll have no more babies. No. More. Babies.
It’s been 3 years since we packed our life belongings and moved to Japan. And so far, I haven’t had a day where I’d think “gosh I wish we didn’t leave”. Not. A. Single. Day. Alhamdulillah.
I wear deodorant everyday since I was 15 years old.
That’s it.
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