I remember back then there were 2 times that I braved myself to write a handwritten letter to you. I don’t remember now where I put the first one, but I put the second one in an album filled of my childhood pictures taken inside my room.
I read somewhere that sometimes grief could be healed by writing letters to said passed person. But I have no idea why I haven’t gotten over the grief of losing you.
Well why I’m writing today? Because I just realized just how over the moon you’d be if you are able to see your granddaughter today. Remember how you used to print out English worksheets for your students, which consisted of lyrics to Westlife songs? Well, I remember it so well, because you’d make me do every single worksheet so I’d learn English too. I was in standard 2, I think. But I loved the smell of those freshly printed worksheets, I was so happy that you included me in your work too.
You were my first English teacher, but you taught me so many things other than that. One of them is the love towards music, because I still remember those cheesy pop songs’ lyrics you printed for your students!
And your granddaughter..at 4 years old, she loves this Kpop band so much, Ayah. She is only fluent in Japanese language, she cannot speak in Malay but she can sing those songs in English so well! I’m still amazed at how fast she picks up those songs, but then I remember those times when you made me do the worksheets, at only 8 years old (although I have a feeling you started wayy before that)
You’d be so proud of her, Ayah. She reminds me of my childhood, while also being 90% the opposite of who I am.
I just wish you could meet her.
And the other day, I met my old friend who’ve just lost her lovely mom, to cancer. I was reluctant to ask her how she was coping, but I had to. And she asked me about losing you. I don’t know why but I told her, it’s something you’d never get over. All you can do is be strong and show up every day.
I miss you.
Ok so this is the latest guilty pleasure of mine.
Watching With Love, Meghan series on Netflix.
Gosh it is the most self-absorbed series ever, besides the Kardashians, but it is the most soothing self-absorbed series in the world.
Like, I want every bit of her life - forget the Birkin bag because why do you want that when you could have
A dreamy homey house filled with white creamish furniture and greens and a dedicated craft space in a whole other building
A whole other greenhouse filled with flowers and plants
A backyard garden full of flowers like orchids and lilies and herbs like basil and rosemary and veggies such as lettuces and carrots
A quaint little town where you can get up early and bring your guests to the market to get fish to cook for dinner
House near a beach where you can set up some beach chairs by the sea to serve your friends some homemade apple pies
Ohhh!!!! An orchard full of apples you have no idea what to do with the apples you decided to make apple jams to give as presents to family and friends
It must be crazy to live a life like that. My dream life. Why the hell did I move to the metropolitan city of Tokyo I have no idea.
But I know for now I feel some sense of accomplishment when I managed to solve some issues regarding cross-discipline engineering work. I feel like I have done something for the team when I get the “thank you for being here” smile and nod from my boss. I feel like I achieved my goal of the day when I managed to close out some technical memo after some gruelling discussions with the engineers. I feel content even in the train full of strangers after a day at work, lost reading my ebook in my phone knowing I’ll be reunited with my kids for dinner soon.
And that’s also another life I dream of, for now. I believe in manifesting and dreaming, so there might come a day, one day, that I get to own an orchard of my own, but Tokyo would have to do for now.
I am highly delusional. A lot of times, I would be daydreaming about what I would do or act in some situations - especially those which had happened in the past. I would be so delusional once I imagined about living my life as a Prime Minister lol.
I am sometimes quiet in company of people I love and also despise. If I am being bubbly I’m probably still gauging which of these 2 categories you fall in. But 50% of the time I am actually exhausted of talking. Talking drains me.
I am not into a social setting. Socializing drains me. I would be energetic at first, but 15 minutes is all it takes before my battery runs out. So it’s actually not about you.
I have 2 pre-teen boys, and I have no idea how to adjust from being a mommy to 2 cute boys to 2 smelly (I mean boys stink) and sweat-everywhere kind of boys. How come they were once so cuddly and kissable and now so stinky?!
I am so glad me and husband decided we’ll have no more babies. No. More. Babies.
It’s been 3 years since we packed our life belongings and moved to Japan. And so far, I haven’t had a day where I’d think “gosh I wish we didn’t leave”. Not. A. Single. Day. Alhamdulillah.
I wear deodorant everyday since I was 15 years old.
That’s it.
Relieved, because I just finished a meeting today and while it’s been quite stressful few months, received good news last few weeks ago which makes me incredibly grateful. For someone who has been going to work so uncertain of what the work day would be like (will explain about this some other time), trying my hard to just complete work for the day and go home; it finally feels like somewhere I can see myself settling for quite a long time to me.
Worried, because kids have officially started their summer holiday which lasts for 1 month (school reopens in September) and the house. Is. A. Damn. Mess.
Contented, because we finally went riverside swimming last weekend and it was awesome! Definitely going again next weekend lol.
Happy, because we finally got ourselves a car (hence the many family trips lately lol)
On edge, because work is progressing to the next stage and I have no idea how to cope..
Happy, because husband and the boys are going back to Malaysia next month in August so the boys can finally reconnect with their cousins. I feel so bad that they keep saying how much they misses the cousins..
Relieved, because lately I found myself ordering stuff that matters to me from the start but couldn’t get them, and getting them in the mail now feels like a dream.
But above all, right now, getting on adventures with these little rascals is the highest priority for me <3
(Disclaimer: this was written in conjuction with Tun M’s 100th birthday on 10th July 2025. Happiest birthday, Tun!)
I turn 38 this year.
I’m at that stage in life where I juggle deadlines, daycare pickups, and Teams meetings across time zones. And lately, in between all that, I’ve been thinking about how I got here.
One name keeps coming to mind: Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad.
Growing up in the 90s, his name was everywhere. I didn’t really understand what he did back then, only that he was always on the news, and my parents would switch to the serious voice whenever his name came up.
And somewhere along the way, one of his ideas - the Look East Policy - quietly shaped the life I would one day live.
That policy encouraged Malaysians to learn from countries like Japan, to adopt values like discipline, hard work, and humility. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I just knew that I’d watch Japanese dramas on TV and that my sister’s dream is to go to Japan one day. But now, here I am: a Malaysian, raising a family and building a career in Japan. Every day I see firsthand the values that policy promoted. And I can’t help but feel…connected. Like maybe I’m a tiny result of that big vision.
There’s one day I’ll never forget - the day I got the phone call telling me I received the scholarship to further my degree in Japan. That phone call changed everything. In that one moment, my path shifted. What was once just a faraway dream suddenly became real. Japan wasn’t just a country I read about in Sejarah textbooks, it became the place where I’d study, grow, find myself, and unknowingly begin a life that’s still unfolding.
I no longer see Tun with the same wide-eyed awe I had as a kid. These days, I look at his legacy with a different kind of admiration - the kind that comes with age and after surviving multiple project timelines. Because now I know just how hard it is to build something that lasts. To think not just about yourself, but an entire country. To decide that “Yes, Malaysia can have its own car brand,” and “Yes, let’s build a brand new administrative capital” while I still hesitate to build a new bookshelf without my husband’s help.
And now that I’ve come this far, I find myself asking: How can I do the same?
How can I give back to Malaysia in my own small, spreadsheet-and-slide-deck kind of way?
How do I leave something behind - not just reports and presentations, but actual impact?
I don’t usually write about public figures. But I guess this isn’t really about politics. It’s about gratitude, and maybe also responsibility.
Because thanks to that vision, I grew up in a Malaysia that was full of hope. I was raised to believe I could go far if I worked hard (and maybe memorized enough kanji and hiragana). That it was okay to dream a little bigger, even if I didn’t quite know what the dream was yet.
And now, as a woman in her late 30s, navigating career and motherhood, I carry that same hope forward. Not just for me, but for those who come after me, too.
(In picture: me with my eldest sister who dreamt about going to Japan since she was in high school, sending me off to Japan to do my engineering degree for 4 years)
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