There was a time when Rayyan was 3 or 4 years old.
We were on our back from the south, back to KL. At the time, we were living in Bandar Kinrara, the heart of the town and traffic jam was madness. It was the last day of a long holiday though I can’t remember what.
Rayyan and I were sitting at the back of the car while husband was driving. He couldn’t nap so he was playing and talking in his language and when he was uncomfortable, he would cry and cry although I had no idea why. I kept trying to entertain him; giving him snacks, distracting him, making him sit on my lap, hugging him for extra comfort, etc - but nothing was working.
He kept crying.
At one point, I was exhausted and snapped - I can’t remember what I said but I scolded him for not listening to me to sit still and be settled. He was shocked, and immediately stopped crying, but he had tears in his eyes.
And he did sit still all the way home. Only that he no longer acknowledge me; my voice, my hug, etc. He completely ignored me. He was mad, and hurt.
It was the first time he ever did that, and I was..heartbroken. I wished immediately that I could take it back, but I knew right there and then, my boy has feelings..and I need to understand him more.
I can’t remember what happens next, but nowadays whenever his attitude is testing my patience, I would go back to that moment and ask myself whether it’s worth it. I realize now that while my patience has its own limit, the kids have absolutely no grudge however we treat them at this age, because at the end of the day before going to bed they would come to me and kiss me good night. It’s a habit we developed and I am super grateful we did this because after a long day, even after getting scolded, they would forgive us enough to kiss us good night with a I love you.
So, now I think I should let this memory go and learn to be more patient instead, because I could not forgive myself in that moment. But I need to forgive myself now.
Post a Comment