Breastfeeding Part 1 : the First Night

I was away for the past week due to a technical training in KL and a hectic schedule - and since I was taking the train to and fro, I didn't bring my laptop with me, for the first time ever.

Hence the long silence on this blog.

And the absence of laptop was because.. I had to drag my breast pump bag and cooler bag with me.

Breastfeeding, something I never thought I'd practice in my life, once I became a mom.

You see, there was a reason why it took me 5 months to do a post on this - because I didn't know where to start. And what to say, really! Every day is just another learning day in breastfeeding and breastmilk pumping day to me, because there's always something new I've discovered about this foreign practice.

My decision to breastfeed came unnaturally - I was basically terrified at the idea of sharing that particular body part with another human being, and the thought of a baby having a meal in that private area didn't really suit well with me. I was the type of girl who weren't used to the idea - once, I had to perform solat at the surau inside a consultant's building and there was a lady with her friend, chi-chatting while pumping milk. I went WTF and performed my solat as quick as I could and got out as soon as I could.

When I got pregnant, people started asking too. Breastfeeding became one of the hot topics during that time. I was nervous.

Consulted my husband because I knew I'd never get used to the idea, and I was terrified about how it's going to be for my baby. Shahrul, as usual, left the decision ultimately on me, but said,

"Don't you want our baby to have the best milk he could get, out of all the sources? You'll never know until you try. Who knows, you might like it"

And so, I decided to try to breastfeed my son.

How I first started breastfeeding?

Well, as soon as Rayyan came out of my womb. It wasn't a vivid memory for me (because I suspect the gas had started to work itself into my system) so it's pretty much a blur, but I remember the moment the midwife took Rayyan and put him on my chest, and a few blurry moments after, he was all cleaned up and on my lap, ready to be fed. I wasn't suprised because I read this would happen - so the nurse started telling me how to feed him; the positions, his position on my lap, my posture, everything.

Can't remember much, but that

(I remember Anonymous asked me to share how it feels, breastfeeding my baby for the first time - but truth is, I just can't recall. Too much gas! Haha sorry)

And I remember that night, our first night at the hospital after Rayyan was born - I was left alone in the ward. I asked Shahrul to go home that night instead of accompanying me because I knew he was dead tired after the whole day at the hospital (NOT giving birth -_-) and was ready to spend the night in the ward, alone.

It was 11.30 pm, Shahrul just left. I got settled into bed. A few minutes after, a nurse came.

"Your baby needs to nurse, he's been crying"

I sighed. I was so so sleepy and tired, but I took Rayyan from her, got into nursing position, and started nursing him. I tried to recall everything I've learned earlier that day.

But..a few minutes after, Rayyan was still unsettled. He was tossing and turning and sometimes let out a soft cry - which tells me, he wasn't full yet. Must be because his nursing positions, I thought, so I changed to other positions.

Took this picture in the middle of the night, in between feedings. One of the earlier pictures of him. In my head, I was thinking how different he looked from the first time I held him in my arms, a few hours before.

Continued doing this (and even fell asleep in between for a few minutes before waking up again for fear of dropping him) until I finally was already 6 am. I was in that position, trying to nurse him for 6 FREAKING hours.

That was the moment I realize..this isn't going to be a smooth journey, for me.

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my brain dump.