six years on.


It's so strange to be writing this to you, after so many years. I remember the last time I wrote about you was in 2007 - almost 6 years ago - on my page in a social profile website. It was the first time I blogged for the world to see, and my words just poured through from the deepest corners of my heart.

Now, 6 years on - I feel like nothing has really changed.

It's 16th October and it's your birthday today, or it would have been. I took some time after Maghrib last night to sedekah Yasin to you and prayed that you're at peace there and that God would forgive all your sins. I prayed that He'll ease up your journey and that you would continue shining down on us from above.

It's a strange feeling, knowing that everything I've done so far and gotten, actually blessings because of you.

It's a strange feeling, knowing fully well that I'm 25 year-old now I should be stronger than I was 6 years ago, but that apparently wasn't the case.

25 or 19, I'm still a mess, Dad. Especially when I think of you and how badly I want you to be here.

I know you'd be proud of me. I know you'd say I'm a strong girl and you'd need not to worry about me, but sometimes I wish you knew it wasn't the case. I'm still a mess whenever I'm missing you or really need to talk to you and listen to your voice. I'm still a mess even though people might not see that.

So everytime I want to talk to you, I'd pray to God cause that's the only way I know. 

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you and I still miss you every single day for the last 10 years.

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my brain dump.