Hey, you. Yes, you, 18-year old Zatil.
This is weird, but I'm you. And I'm 25-year old now - an age you'd picture yourself with a good husband by your side and a high-flying career as an engineer. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not married..yet. And I don't have wrinkles yet, so you can keep away the mirror now.
Boy, time flies so fast.
First and foremost, I'd like to ask you - how the hell did you get to keep your skin that way?! Other teenagers get zits and breakouts at teenage years, but you don't really even focus on that - what's the deal, really?! Big news - don't be so comfortable and cocky cause you'd have lots of them at 25, trust me. While your peers' hormones are slowing down as they get older, yours, are definitely not.
So please, don't be cocky.
Also, I applaud your taste in men. I'm glad you went through all those ex-boyfriends phase cause you passed that stage with flying colors - and I'm thankful that you followed your heart and brain, cause if not, I won't have a great guy like him by my side today. I was worried, you know, because you've had your fair share of history with guys - and it's definitely not a breeze. But you made the decision you know you'd live with for the rest of your life, and I can't be prouder.
One thing I want to say is, don't be so emotional. Emotions and you are not on good terms right now, what with all the teenagers hormones and everything, and you tend to get carried away with what people say about you and how badly you want to please everyone. Just..don't. I'm thankful that you are surrounded with great friends and people who care about you that makes life in AAJ bearable, but please, stay away from those who makes the alarm in your sense radar goes off. You know you can trust your gut. Just be strong and please, don't be too nice and fragile.
Don't let the boy thing get in your head too much. I know you're only protecting yourself from hurt and unnecessary distractions, but trust me, some of them are harmless.
I love that you managed to keep yourself happy despite the workloads and the boy thing and exam pressure. I love that you are so carefree you don't need anyone to mean the life to you. I love that you've found yourself good friends and circle; because the bonds are going to last for life. (You won't believe this but some of them are already married now!) I love that you always think ahead of yourself - you have the strength I don't think I have now - and you go for it. I love that you're not so serious anymore compared to high school - you've broken a few laws, something I'm not sure you even realize. But you did!
Most of all, I love that you're enjoying 18.
Falling in love is hard, but it will be the one nice thing you'd remember for the rest of your life. I know you have butterflies flying everywhere now; but you've always had a problem with trust and letting yourself free. I know that well. Let go of yourself sometimes. I know you have that play-safe card in your pocket all the time - but you've got to live a little.
Life is hectic now, I'm sure, you're busting your ass off studying for Monbukagakusho exam and crying your eyeballs out day and night. But trust me, it'll get easier after the exam. Remember that.
And just to show you that I found this -
The EJU slip I found in my old diary, hence this post. This is you in 2006.
Just because I miss you so much. Enjoy being 18, cause 25 will catch up with you in no time.
Love,
25-year old Zatil.
So guess who visited Japan last few days?
(courtesy : Jessica Alba's Twitter)
Yours truly, Kyoto Winter 2010
Why was she never there when I was gallivanting through Tokyo alone, or when we were on trips like these??
Fate, you are so not funny.
I was thinking of changing my office bag (I have far moved from this one - it was too small!)
But when I take a look at my bag last night, I changed my mind.
I can't believe the junk I have in that bag. But they're all essential to me - the 2 different lipgloss, 1 lipstick, a foundation AND a face powder, 2 packets of tissue, apartment and office keys, etc. Sometimes I get so worried thinking I might leave something behind if I changed my bag. (or as my friend calls it, a "guni" - I would be offended if I didn't find that so true, in this case.)
How do you girls do it, I will never know.
But for now, Imma leave my office bag alone. At least until I can find some time to actually sort out the stuff, or when I get a new bag. (new bag is always a motivation to do something good)
Of course, moving to a new place means a whole new routine for me.
And if you know me, routine is big in my life. I have a specific tradition I keep dear to my heart, I get ridiculously mad whenever anyone interferes. So yeah, I'm so not a last-minute plan kinda girl - when I've set my heart to stay at home all day, you don't want to suddenly organize a jamuan or meeting and expect me to turn up at the eleventh hour.
I've developed a new routine here with my housemates, and so far I'm loving it.
- watch drama on laptop in the room during free time (need I say more?)
- the first one to wake up and use the bathroom
- the first one to leave the house in the morning, cause I love being at the office early and have some alone time before work clock starts
- the first one to reach the house in the evening
- clean up dust in room and do laundry three times a week (yes, very specific)
- watch the small TV in the living room with housemates
- or when we're not watching TV, we read National Geographic, The Economist, Knowledge and some books my housemate got us - she actually works at Petronas' library, so she has access to all the field-related magazines and books, and I am so freaking jealous of her.
- cook everything-steamed, which is a good transition for my eating habit
Today, we went out to get some groceries and just to get out of the house - we're on the 7th floor, and it's just so especially hot today. Usually Bangi is very windy (for the last 7 days that I've been here) but today was too hot to stay inside, hence the lazy day out.
Lazy day out - a HRC t-shirt with a cardigan, Zara pants and 7-bucks scarf
View from our window.
Just for the record, I'm still down with sore throat and cough 24 hours a day. Finished a bottle of cough syrup already and on a second bottle now, so if you have any good remedies, please let me know. Thanks.
New bedsheets. New mattress. New pillows. New cloth racks. New laptop table. New makeup drawers. New human-size mirror.
New hangers to hang clothes. New room dustbin.
I've moved to a new apartment :) And things had been good until I'm down with flu as soon as I unpacked things and I forgot to put my mask on. Oh, the horror. It's been a long time since I'm seriously ill with sore throat and running nose AND a fever, so this time I had to take a day off work (thankfully the kind doctor gave me MC) and I just have to tell you, this is the first time I detest spending the day off work - because I was in the new apartment, alone. With a body temperature reaching 40 degree.
And it was the first time I felt like I'd rather be at work, than home.
Maybe it's still a transition phase, I don't know. But so far I'm loving the place (despite being sick on the first night here) because it's not so far from the office, the housemates are uber-cool, the people are very friendly I almost feel as safe as when I was in Japan.
But the only thing that hit me the hardest is - I no longer have my alone time in the car for a good at least one hour.
Yes, I'm weird, I know.
Sometimes I just wish the apartment would be a bit far or I'd be caught up in a traffic jam for at least 30 minutes, or something.
I miss my alone time in the car. It was usually the only time I'd get to blast my car speaker off with my favorite CDs or just listening to hitz.fm, the only time I'd turn the radio off and just spend some time in complete silence, the only time I'd get to enjoy to views by the highway.
God, I'm so weird.
Now, going to work just takes 15 minutes. 15 freaking minutes. That's only like, 3 to 4 songs.
I like my alone-time in the car. Now I need to find some other entertainment.
New hangers to hang clothes. New room dustbin.
I've moved to a new apartment :) And things had been good until I'm down with flu as soon as I unpacked things and I forgot to put my mask on. Oh, the horror. It's been a long time since I'm seriously ill with sore throat and running nose AND a fever, so this time I had to take a day off work (thankfully the kind doctor gave me MC) and I just have to tell you, this is the first time I detest spending the day off work - because I was in the new apartment, alone. With a body temperature reaching 40 degree.
And it was the first time I felt like I'd rather be at work, than home.
Maybe it's still a transition phase, I don't know. But so far I'm loving the place (despite being sick on the first night here) because it's not so far from the office, the housemates are uber-cool, the people are very friendly I almost feel as safe as when I was in Japan.
But the only thing that hit me the hardest is - I no longer have my alone time in the car for a good at least one hour.
Yes, I'm weird, I know.
Sometimes I just wish the apartment would be a bit far or I'd be caught up in a traffic jam for at least 30 minutes, or something.
I miss my alone time in the car. It was usually the only time I'd get to blast my car speaker off with my favorite CDs or just listening to hitz.fm, the only time I'd turn the radio off and just spend some time in complete silence, the only time I'd get to enjoy to views by the highway.
God, I'm so weird.
Now, going to work just takes 15 minutes. 15 freaking minutes. That's only like, 3 to 4 songs.
Took this when I was stuck in traffic jam, because it looks like a bird.
I like my alone-time in the car. Now I need to find some other entertainment.
Sometimes, when I stumbled across stories like this, I feel the sudden urge of gratitude to whoever inspired the story that I feel like writing them a letter, or something.
It's not difficult to amaze me.
"Hijab and abaya, at 7 years old"
As walked into the grocery store, I saw this small girl, 7 years old, wearing an abaya and hijab, playing with her sister and little brother. I smiled at her and she gave me the biggest smile I’ve seen in years, back. I walked away, still smiling. As I turned away I heard her say excitedly, “Baba! Baba! There’s another girl wearing hijab like me!” I just smiled more, not being able to help listening to their conversation taking place 5 feet away.
After 5 minutes, her, her dad, and her two siblings walked by. Her father shot a glance at me and then turned to my brothers and said, “Salam alaykum.” My little brother didn’t know how to respond properly and the older one was shy so I responded back saying, “Wa alaykum salam.” Her father was astonished. He started smiling and he slowly walked away.
When I was in the cereal aisle, I watched the little girl skip, jump, and run through the ocean of carts in front of her. When she reached the end of the aisle, she turned around and did the same thing again, and occasionally guarding her little brother from adults who didn’t care to watch where they were going. I then realized my little brother, who is 9, was watching her as well. When she came to our end of the aisle, she stopped and looked at my brother and smiled. My brother started following her and playing with her and her brother too. When she got tired, my brother, Nabil, asked her, “Why do you wear the hijab and abaya if you’re younger than me? Why doesn’t your sister wear it too? Does your baba force you?”
I told Nabil to be quiet because he was being rude and I could see that she was taken aback by his sudden question. He quickly apologized and looked away and to both our surprise, she answered. MashAllah she answered so defiantly I almost started crying.
She bravely looked up at my brother and me and said, “I wear the hijab because Allah swt told me to wear the hijab. My baba doesn’t want me to wear it and my sister doesn’t understand. I love my hijab! I can wear a hijab with flowers and butterflies and leaves and dots and stripes and anything I want! It’s really cool!”
I stood there, dumbfounded. My brother of course, was even more curious now. “Do you ever miss showing your hair? You can’t do cool hairstyles or wear dresses or anything. And what if you grow up and want to take it off?” I nudged him and told him to shut up.
She then replied again, “Why do other people need to see my hair, what for? It’s my hair and they shouldn’t care. I’m doing this for Allah swt not for other people. If I ever want to take it off, I’ll remember Allah swt and he will give me strength. And I have a lot of dresses and I wear them all the time! I’m wearing a dress right now, aren’t I?”
Nabil just stared at her and said, “So how did you know that Allah swt wants you to wear it?”
And she said, “Because I read it in the Quran.”
He looked at her and said, “C’mon. Let’s go play again!”
As I waited for my mum to finish shopping, I watched her, my brother, and their imaginary friends play various games. She was the first person to ever truly captivate me. I find everyone interesting really, but I just couldn’t grasp her. She was so special and she changed everything for me.
This little, 7 year old girl had already made her decision. She already places her trust in Him. She’s following Allah’s swt decree and not her fathers or any other human’s. And here I am, still contemplating whether or not I’m going to keep wearing it only part time or not. Here I am, almost 16, just about ready to stop wearing the hijab completely for stupid reasons while she is devoting herself as much as possible to Allah swt and His command.
She truly inspired me to wear it soon and nothing will ever be able to express how thankful I am for her. She is so beautiful mashAllah inside and out and someday, I hope to be as amazing as her, a 6 six year old. I hope she never changes and inshAllah she is granted the highest level of Jannah.
Alhamdulillah.
Today, I was so confused at work.
Friends who know me would know I'm so not a tuck in girl. I'd rather alter my blouse or shirt if they're too long; I just won't risk wearing a blouse that looks like a pajama on me (because I'm super petite) or having to tuck them in my pants. I don't think I've ever worn blouse tucked in my pants, for whatever reason.
But today I broke the tradition.
Truth be told, my office here is quite a conservative bunch. Women here would usually wear baju kurung or jubah even during weekdays; given that the majority here are married women and men, they tend to be very polite and well-mannered. Respecting the elders; we would say, because I can say less than 20% are single/unmarried! Definitely not a party scene, here. Pfft haha.
But truthfully, I understood her point. I had second thoughts once I heard her comment too, because it's very unflattering, one, if you have big bottom (Ok not big but even normal) that the pants would give away the unflattering shape; two, I get very uncomfortable having guys staring at certain places they shouldn't look at. And of course, being a girl raised in a decent (albeit imperfect) Muslim way, it's clear that God doesn't like you showing off your curves to men other than your husband.
So this is the first and last time I ever tucked in my shirt. I've always wondered how I'd look, but now I know! And I'm glad I have tucking in issues.
...then maybe you should give this a listen :)
Weezer will always have that special place in my life, cause I learn good music through them and I learn them through him.
According to him, I might not be the die-hard fan of Weezer; but he doesn't know there's a certain Weezer song that always brings me back to the guy he used to be and I used to know.
Weezer will always have that special place in my life, cause I learn good music through them and I learn them through him.
According to him, I might not be the die-hard fan of Weezer; but he doesn't know there's a certain Weezer song that always brings me back to the guy he used to be and I used to know.
And, the best thing is - I got these books for 5 bucks each!
A colleague took me out for lunch last Friday in Bangi; and we dropped by this used goods store that sells almost everything! Kids clothes, furnitures, bags, drawings, kids toys, and BOOKS. Mannn you should've seen the collection - I don't think I've ever found a collection that dated way back to 70s, but this store. It was amazing.
I realized that I took novels and books for granted when I moved to Japan last few years; because in Japan, the most English books collection you could find is only like, TWO racks out of the hundreds racks of books in a bookstore. And that is including magazines. I spent years going in and out almost every bookstore in Hiroshima, Fukuoka, Shinjuku and Shibuya that I could find just to look for English novels; and even the boyfriend knows once we're in the bookstore, I'd always go home with something. English novels, InStyle magazine, anything. Because it is too hard to find a wide selection of English books there, unlike in Malaysia.
So when I saw the collection in the store, I couldn't go home without something. It isn't helping that there are so many to choose from, and that they come with a freaking 5 bucks price tag - the most expensive you could find is, well, 8 or 10 bucks. Still, a good bargain considering the condition of the books.
I foresee myself paying the store more visits after I've officially moved to the Bangi town. God help me.
I forgot the name of the store already, but it is one of the shophouses across PKNS. Look for one with the vintage look, you can't miss it :)
The book I'm currently reading, the third (and last) book in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series. I don't usually do crime-mystery sorta novels, but this one is an exception. Will do the review later, when I can finally get past the horrible plot that stamped in my head. Darn you Stieg Larsson.
My birthday fell on Tuesday, which was a working day.
The worst thing is, my colleague went to Johor this whole month for her offsite and it was just me in that big office. NOT. FUN. I almost fell asleep, I kept stretching my hands and feet and had to keep my iPod volume loud enough to wake my brain cells up all day.
Quite a bad day for a birthday.
But got the surprise of my life when I got home :")
Every girl's dream - gorgeous white and red roses, a box of Decadence chocolate, and a cake!
I really don't know how he did it, but he managed to get my Uncle and Aunt to keep it as a secret from me; my sister and cousin came that night to celebrate. Now it's been ages since I last celebrated my birthday with my sister because we've been in different continents for most of our lives; so this is historical.
And this day also marks the first year of coming back to Malaysia for good - so I couldn't help reminiscing of the things I've been through these past 12 months.
God gave me so much, and all these just make me want to be better for the years to come. InsyaAllah. I didn't kid when I said I want to be accomplished in career while balancing dunya and akhirat, so please pray that God will make this easier for me. Amin.
The worst thing is, my colleague went to Johor this whole month for her offsite and it was just me in that big office. NOT. FUN. I almost fell asleep, I kept stretching my hands and feet and had to keep my iPod volume loud enough to wake my brain cells up all day.
Quite a bad day for a birthday.
But got the surprise of my life when I got home :")
Every girl's dream - gorgeous white and red roses, a box of Decadence chocolate, and a cake!
I really don't know how he did it, but he managed to get my Uncle and Aunt to keep it as a secret from me; my sister and cousin came that night to celebrate. Now it's been ages since I last celebrated my birthday with my sister because we've been in different continents for most of our lives; so this is historical.
And this day also marks the first year of coming back to Malaysia for good - so I couldn't help reminiscing of the things I've been through these past 12 months.
God gave me so much, and all these just make me want to be better for the years to come. InsyaAllah. I didn't kid when I said I want to be accomplished in career while balancing dunya and akhirat, so please pray that God will make this easier for me. Amin.
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